


The Subtle Nuances of Human Sexuality

by twisted_dendrites



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-24
Updated: 2012-04-23
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:44:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twisted_dendrites/pseuds/twisted_dendrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John figures out he is asexual, and that his feelings for Dave extend beyond friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cake. John Egbert really hated cake. His whole life seemed centered on that singular horrific confection. Every day he was sure to find his kitchen overflowing with the delectable pastries that his father seemed intent on mass producing. The reason his father was a baking fiend wasn't even something that begged a question in his mind anymore. It was something he had grown up with, a fact of his life, and he accepted it with the same objectivity as he regarded the tree in his front yard or the fireplace in his living room. These things were there, always there, since before he could remember anyway, and rather than ponder their origins it was easier to leave them as components of the backdrop of his life. Ignored, but not so much. The day that cake suddenly disappeared from his home couldn't come soon enough. As far as he was concerned, he had begrudgingly ingested enough cake to last him through the next two lifetimes. Simply put, he was just sick of cake.

So why was it that one trivial day while he was surfing the internet as his free time usually dictated -- why had he come across the image of a cake and followed the link underneath it? It was really an unremarkable cake by his expert standards. His father had baked dozens upon God knows how many cakes, and by all means it was only natural he was desensitized to their sugary interior and equally aesthetically sweet exterior. What feature of this one cake in particular had prompted him to follow that link? What characteristic had kept his attention long enough to inhibit him from closing the window immediately due to his inherent disgust with the over-glorified pastry?

It didn't appear to be overtly special in any way, yet something -- _something_ about it had enticed him. Was it so ingrained in him that he couldn’t resist a thorough investigation of its ingredients? A twitch of the hand while his mouse happened to be hovering over the link? No, there was something else. Try as he might, he could not ascribe this to mere chance, coincidence, or fluke. The reason John Egbert had followed the link under the picture was of the caption emblazoned on the bottom of the photo itself. 

**Cake is better than sex.**

And despite his misgivings for cake, John couldn't have agreed more.

The website was AVEN, and it was the source of all his trouble. There were several internal conflicts emerging through his subconscious as soon as the page fully loaded. He wasted no time in tearing into the site. All of those nameless loose ends he had shoved in the back of his mind emulsified as he swept through the forums. John scanned through question and answer, discussion after discussion, and found himself wholeheartedly agreeing with a good majority of these people -- these individuals that called themselves asexuals. 

Asexual? What did that even mean? John hadn't heard of the term used in relation with people before. As he read through the formal definition, his confusion strengthened. 

_Someone that didn't experience sexual attraction._

What classified as sexual attraction anyway? He had...feelings. Crushes. He liked certain people in a way he assumed was special. In a way that he thought would be conducive of a relationship. But then, a relationship didn't have anything to do with sex, did it? That was for...adults. Well, okay, he wasn't naïve to what some teenagers his age were doing. But...he had other things to focus on...he just assumed that feeling would come later. Everything would fall into place eventually, or he would cross that bridge when he got there. 

Apparently that _'when'_ was starting now.

That day, he spent an hour navigating the site, reading, acquainting himself with the terms. Asexual, demisexual, gray-a, aromantic, heteroromantic, panromantic, biromantic...

He froze up as his eyes tripped across homoromantic, and he closed out of the window. This was all a bit silly, wasn't it? Sure, some of these people had valid points about sex having no relation with love or expressing it. However, that didn't make him one of them. He barely even knew what asexual meant! Besides, it wasn't really an issue. Okay, so hypothetically even if he were asexual, it wasn't like he was in a position to jeopardize himself. He wasn't in a relationship and he certainly wasn't the person to seek out that sort of activity. There was no expectation for him, he didn't need to think about it, didn't need to worry. Anyway, relationships weren't about that. Sex wasn't a requirement...was it? No, of course not. Everyone knew relationships were built on trust and understanding and...he had always just pictured enjoying spending time with someone, feeling his heart race, maybe holding that person's hand or something. His thoughts on the subject never really advanced past that.

Although he tried to convince himself it didn't matter, wasn't important, and didn't apply to him, he was back on AVEN the next day. And the next day. And then every day that week. Most days that month. Reading, learning, evaluating. By the end of the third month since his initial discovery of the site, he realized that all of his bookmarks were in some way related to asexuality. It was becoming his inconvenient truth. Yet he still desperately wanted to know more.

He got an ace ring -- ace, that was what they called it, slang for asexual. A black ring on his right middle finger. He wished someone else like him would notice. Rose noticed and asked him about it. She said that asexuals wore rings like that and was he finally coming to terms with his sexuality or lack thereof. He just laughed it off, pretending it was a coincidence. In reality, he still wasn't sure about himself. He only wore the damn thing in hopes of finding someone that was secure with his/her own asexuality and could help him figure out his. He needed to talk to someone, and not on AVEN but in real life. He needed to ask. Confirm. But with a reported 1% of asexuals in the population the chances of stumbling across someone like that seemed daunting. 

The other problem John had with all of this was the classification of homoromantic. Immediately there was a glaring issue with the denotation and the fact that the first thing that came to mind was his relationship with Dave. _Friendship_. Because they were just friends, and it wasn't anything more than that because he didn't want anything more than that, and what they already had was close enough to...

Shit. It was a great friendship and Dave couldn't be a better friend, and John could honestly say that there was almost nothing else he wanted...Almost? Damn it! What was with those limiting words? Close enough? Almost? What was he hoping to gain? He wasn't a homosexual!

Well, that was the thing. Three months and he was pretty sure he was asexual. A romantic asexual. He wanted to pursue a relationship, it was just...with whom did he want to pursue it?

So he ignored it about as well as he had ignored AVEN. Sadly, now that the information was all there, it was hard to ignore. He couldn't help but look back and overanalyze his past actions. Exhibit A was the ironic flirting. In retrospect, it was so audacious. Now it just made him feel guilty, so he had stopped condoning it about a month ago. It wasn't that if he chose to flirt with Dave now that it would affect him in any different way than back then. The difference was it didn't seem fair anymore... he was getting more out of it than Dave. It was like John was in a one-sided relationship that Dave didn't know he was enabling. And that just wasn't right.

Ironic flirting was just a joke to Dave. And John had known that all along, but before it had been safe. It had been an outlet. It wasn't going to lead to anything because Dave was only joking and John wasn't a homosexual. But now that there was nothing to lead to...John felt like he was taking advantage of what was only supposed to be harmless fun.

Dave noticed that John was getting more subdued in their conversations. Or at least, that's what John concluded when Rose suddenly seemed a lot more intrusive. Her conversations took on a pattern where they started and ended with a phrase like, "John, if you need to talk," or "John, if you ever need anything, “or "John, I'm always here for you". 

It was painful to pretend like he didn't know what she meant, though it was worse to feel her pity. He didn't need her help. There was nothing about him that required help. He was just being himself and... _keeping secrets from his friends_...

Four months and he had determined that he was biromantic asexual. He should have felt happier now that he had discovered a part of his identity. On the contrary, everything seemed to be going downhill. He'd even witnessed something he hadn't previously thought possible. Dave Strider, the coolkid, the most collected and nonchalant dude in the world, angry and with John no less. 

John could attest to having been a shitty friend, especially lately. Each new encounter with Dave became increasingly difficult. What was he supposed to do? They were best bros but where was the distinction of friendship from what John wanted in a relationship? It had been an obstacle to wrap his mind around the fact that liked Dave in that sort of way. Sure, he had been holding onto those feelings before, but it hadn’t been acknowledged like this. He hadn't had a name for it. It was just an extension of their friendship. Now he finally understood what his feelings meant, what he wanted, what he still wanted. Even so, it still made him feel a bit strange admitting he liked boys. On top of that, he had no idea how he was supposed to let everyone else know. It had taken him four months to come to terms with it on his own! Then again, they'd all been putting up with him anyway, and he knew he'd been distancing himself both intentionally and unintentionally.

They had argued over something stupid. Something about music or something, it wasn't even important and it was obvious to both of them that it wasn't the real source of their contention. It was a convenient excuse, and when it was over at least a little of the tension had eased. Temporarily anyway. John couldn't keep doing this if he didn't want Dave to end up hating him.

Damn. He could rationalize this whole situation like it was nothing, but he couldn’t afford to take it lightly. First and foremost Dave was his friend, his best friend, the first guy he felt comfortable talking to about anything...well, up until he realized just how strong those feelings were. It scared him to think that maybe Dave's ironic flirting hadn't been so ironic after all. The way he saw it, he had three options: stay in the current limbo they were in, tell Dave and be rejected which would consequently risk their friendship, or tell Dave and be accepted. He couldn’t discern which outcome was more frightening. On the surface acceptance probably seemed like the most desirable, but then if Dave did accept him, just what would Dave expect out of their relationship?

Finally he felt ready to talk to Rose, but she had already bombarded him with so much unnecessary pity that going to her would seem pathetic. He didn't know what to do, and his irresoluteness continued to isolate him.


	2. Chapter 2

Four months and two weeks. Rose invited everyone over her house without really giving a reason. That alone tipped off John that she had some sort of ulterior motive. He didn't care if she did. Honestly he was kind of grateful to get to spend some time with all of his friends outside of school. Maybe if they were all there in a group, they could just kind of forget how John had been acting like a dick lately.

Rose's house was so modern contemporary, save for the random wizards here and there. John arrived second, apparently after Dave. Obviously Jade was going to be late because she lived the farthest. Somehow that had slipped his mind.

Rose greeted John with a hug. "Hello, John. We were just in the middle of a rousing game of _Scrabble_. Would you care to join us?"

"Sure! I'd love to!" John agreed, stepping in the door to see Dave hanging back a bit. Dave nodded in recognition. John beamed and waved even though they were less than two feet away.

Rose led them to her living room, where it appeared that she actually _had_ somehow managed to coerce Dave into the popular word game.

"Oh, I suppose I should start getting the snacks ready now that the majority of my guests have arrived," Rose murmured, to everyone as much as herself, "Excuse me for a moment." Promptly, she disappeared in the direction of her kitchen. John guiltily felt a bit relieved. At least she wouldn't be prodding him about his sexuality in front of Dave...

As soon as Rose left the room, Dave turned his attention to the board and began to rearrange the letters to spell out **DICK**.

"Rose isn't going to appreciate that," John mused, but he was smiling and okay, maybe he thought it was a little funny too.

Dave gave him a blank look. There was actually no difference between his current vacant stare and his usual expression. The only thing that could even give someone a remote clue of the difference was that Dave had looked up pointedly. The directed focus of his stare was all John needed to know what Dave meant. God, John was such a dork. Of course Rose wouldn't appreciate it; that was the whole point. Still, a blank look without at least a sarcastic remark was atypical and indicative there was something still unresolved between them.

Well, there was no point in being straightforward with Dave. John wasn't too inclined to bluntly address the issue anyway like that anyway. He'd get there eventually or not, but it was time to change the subject from those tacit implications.

"I didn't know Striders were sore losers. Couldn't beat Rose at her own game, could you?" John teased.

Dave smirked, which was about the equivalent of him bursting into frenzied laughter, doubling over, and crying from the hysteria. "The dictionary couldn't beat Rose at this game," he paused, "And unfortunately since you've gone semi-AWOL lately, I've been under her verbose attacks more than usual."

There it was, almost a direction invitation to discuss it. John faltered. Since when had the situation reversed? Why was he the one avoiding the issue now? Then again, how was he supposed to tell Dave that he had been ignoring everyone because...well because of his sexuality, but a part of it was because...because he figured out he had feelings for his best bro, and he couldn't have anyone finding out.

"I've been busy," John said lamely, failing to wrack his brain for a better alibi.

Dave plucked more letter tiles out of the box and stacked them idly. "Hey man, I get it. I'm not gonna pull a Rose on you and pry into your life. I mean, even she knows it's ineffective now. Why do you think she left us alone like this? Yeah, real subtle. But I'm not doing her dirty work just to satisfy her curiosity."

Damn Rose, always meddling. Sure she had left them alone and probably for a different reason than Dave thought. John's stomach seized. So she knew. Okay, to be honest, she had been telling him she knew all along. It was just that now he couldn't possibly deny that fact any longer.

The pressure was on now. He should just get it over with. Tell Dave. Damn, why was this so difficult? He bit his lip apprehensively.

" _Is_ something eating at you?" Dave asked. There was a tone in his voice, barely audible, but there nonetheless. He was worried. Shit, they were probably all worried.

Before John knew what he was saying, he had already blurted out, "I'm asexual!" Immediately as it registered that he had said that out loud, he felt an almost solid mass of shock and dread amalgamate in his stomach. He didn't know he could actually say it! And now...what would Dave think?

Dave's face didn't change from its stolid impassivity. "Alright...so?"

So, right, nothing. John was a bit relieved, but then again there was still that other thing he hadn't said, and he certainly wasn't about to go there. And anyway, was he so sure that Dave knew what being asexual meant? After all, it had taken John quite a while to wrap his head around it, and he was one!

"You...know what that means right?" John asked uncertainly. He was almost afraid that Dave would say no, and that he would have to explain something he didn't quite fully understand yet himself. That and he didn't want to accidentally make any other involuntary confessions. 

"Dude, Rose is my sister. I know more about the nuances of human sexuality than I'll ever need." Dave paused, as if he were waiting for John's expression to relax. When this didn't happen, he continued, "It's no big deal, okay? And while we're being candid here, I've sort of got a thing for..." He gestured to the Scrabble board.

 **DICK**.

Oh God, oh God. Had Dave just...? Was that a...?

"You mean...?" John tried to say, although his words were obstructed due to the incredible force he was using to bite his lip. His brain couldn't process this new information so fast. Sure, the concept was simple; Dave liked men. But with the timing and everything, what did that mean? Or maybe John was reading into things _way_ too much.

"If you mean do I prefer the male sex for my romantic endeavors, then yes," confirmed Dave.

This was it. If there were ever a perfect opportunity to confess, it would be now. John's chest felt so tight, like he couldn't breathe, like he couldn't take one single breath until he came clean. 

"Me too..."

The pressure lifted to some degree, and then he realized that this was Dave. Dave, his best bro, above everything, to whom he could tell anything. At once, the tension was gone. Dave had put up with him for this long. And in the last few months, everyone had. It wasn't likely that John could ruin all of that so easily. 

"I'm biromantic."

John smiled. He was finally free of that secret. He didn't have to worry about the others finding out. It was calming, to say the least.

"Well, shit, look at Egbert playing for both teams." The smirk hadn't left Dave's face, yet it was twisting and writhing and losing the battle against a genuine grin. 

"Yeah, well," John laughed and blushed. That had been so easy. Why hadn't he told everyone sooner? He answered his own mental question with his next statement. "It was just really confusing, and that's why I've been acting like such a douche lately." 

Dave threw a letter tile at him. "Don't worry, I get you. And I'm sure Rose was just making it worse, being up your dick about it all the time, am I right?"

John picked the tile off the floor and turned it around in his hand listlessly. "I know she was just trying to help, but I guess I needed to figure it out on my own," he answered. He could almost hear the truth behind his words. It felt good.

Dave flicked another tile at him which John tried in vain to dodge. John tossed the tile in his hand back at Dave, but of course the coolkid was able to escape it.

"So you got anyone specific in mind?" Dave asked.

Fuck. Yes. _Yes, and it's you_. 

This could be it. No more secrets. He should just say it, even if he wasn't reciprocated. Their friendship was too strong to be affected by this. He was going to do it. He was going to make this happen.

"Yeah--"

"Hey, I'm here! Sorry I'm late!"  Footsteps resounded through the hallway, and seconds later Jade appeared in front of them. She smoothed down her hair which had only been a tad messy from her apparent rushing and then seated herself next to Dave. As she caught sight of the Scrabble board she rolled her eyes. 

"Real mature, Dave."

"Me? It was all Egbert," Dave replied in his typical deadpan.

Jade looked at John with a ridiculous expression, and they both burst out laughing. When they settled, Jade looked around, seeking their other friend. 

"Where's Rose?" she asked, picking up the board and dumping all the letters on the floor. She swept them into a clump next to her and started flipping them all face down. 

John and Dave exchanged a look, which might have gone unnoticed if John hadn't giggled.

"What?" Jade asked, "What's so funny? What's Rose doing?"

John blushed, thinking about the real reason Rose had left Dave and him alone. If only Jade had been a few seconds later. He had been so close to saying it too!

Dave flawlessly supplied an answer. "Well, she went to the kitchen a while ago, but hell if I know what she's been doing with herself in there for all this time."


	3. Chapter 3

It had been...how many months now since John had seen that atrocious cake and followed the link under it? He'd stopped counting a while ago. It didn't matter anymore. Being asexual was a part of who he was, who he had always been. It had been an important event to figure that out, but he didn't need to commemorate it. Even if he hadn't ever found a label for it, nothing about himself would have changed. He was just glad he understood himself that much more, and he was extremely thankful to be accepted by his friends. His father had taken a bit longer to completely understand, but he was trying and that was enough. 

Everything had seemed to stabilize, settled back into the routine of everyday life. The future was still as unpredictable as ever, but with a new knowledge of himself, John found he had even more tools to face fate. It was pacifying at first, and then just another event assimilated into the vast time stream of his life. Just another trait, like being left-handed or something. On the outside it was generally unnoticeable; and yet, it combined with the rest of his characteristics to form the unique individual that he was. John guessed that's how it was for everyone else and their quirks as well.

At the moment, Dave was proton steaming his way through _Ghostbusters: The Video Game_ , which he had decided ironic enough to accompany John in beating. Unfortunately, even the game of one of his all-time favorite movies couldn't tear his attention away from the way Dave was hunched over his controller with his eyebrows pulled together in the only sign that he did give a shit about winning.

To be fair, John wasn't usually so engrossed in Dave's poor posture. It wasn't that. Out of all of the deviant qualities that Dave had, the way he sat to play video games wasn't at the top of Egbert's list of things that made Dave so damn irresistible. No, it was just...

Today was the day. He had decided. He had picked an arbitrary day and decided to make it spectacular. Or utterly disastrous, depending on how it turned out. Either way it would be something he would remember in the next thirty years. Oh God, he was really going to do this, wasn't he? He was really going to tell Dave how he felt.

Yeah, it was about time.

"Fuck. Are you even paying attention? I thought we were going for the high score here," Dave said, shaking his controller as if that would help him advance further in the game. "C'mon Egbert, let's go, I can't..." Dave trailed off as he actually turned to look at John. "Oh shit, what is it?" he asked,  immediately pausing the game. 

"N-nothing! I just was, uh..." John laughed nervously. His voice had been way too high, it was so obvious he was lying, why did he suck at these things so much?

"John." Dave pulled himself across the floor so that he was sitting on his knees, eye level with John. "Spill. Now."

Wow, John was literally _facing_ the issue that was for sure. He felt his face reddening in hue.

"Um, remember that day I told you I was asexual?"

Dave shrugged. "Yeah, what about it?"

"Well...you asked me if I had someone that I liked, and I never answered, and...how come you never asked me again?" 

Dave looked away. Bingo. That was it. That was a telltale sign that there was something there he was avoiding, something he didn't want to name or talk about, or think about. Manna from Heaven, this was a pretty big clue.

"I don't know, it didn't come up," Dave said. His voice was almost the same, but a drop quieter. He had put some kind of forced control on it. There was something he was holding back.

"I thought you'd want to tease me about it," John goaded. He felt a little more confident although he was still fully aware this could go either way. He wouldn't get his hopes up. If Dave was uncomfortable with this, then he'd just...damn that would suck, but he was sure Rose would be more than willing to help him get over it.

"Christ, I'm not that much of a dick," Dave responded. And then he quickly added, "Am I?"

It was the little addendum that gave him away. Dave Strider did not care what the fuck others thought of him, and even if he did, he would never show let it show. For example, his relationship with Bro effectively demonstrated the latter. That's why it was a dead giveaway. That's why John knew that Dave, who hid his feelings about everything, had been doing a massive fucking cover up once again. About their relationship. About John.

"No! Well, I don't think so anyway," John said. He knew he could do it. The end was in sight and holy hell his heart was beating a thousand times a second. "I just thought you should know who it is."

The line of Dave's mouth twitched. He tried to hide it by wiping his sleeve over his mouth. It didn't matter. He was fidgeting. "Yeah, okay, well I guess it's a guy right? I think that's sort of what was implied there." Dave's voice was lackluster. Not even like he didn't care, but like he was defeated. "Man, you don't gotta tell me your private bisnasty. You know I'll be chill with whatever." He was staring at his sleeve now, intently, probably admiring the fibers even more so than a moth.

"Dave. It's you."

Dave's head snapped up so quickly it made his shades skew a bit. 

"What."

John smiled. "I really, really like you. Like more than friends kind of like you." His chest actually hurt from all the freaking out his circulatory muscle was doing. There was no need to panic. Dave would give a simple answer, and that would be that.

But wow, how great would it be if Dave felt the same way?

"You like me?"

"Yeah."

"You really, really like me?"

"Yes."

"As in more than bropals?"

"Yes, Dave."

"As in boyfriends that hold hands and go on dates and cuddle and do all that nauseatingly kawaii shit?"

"Hmm, yeah, sounds about right."

Dave scooted closer, drawing himself on his knees. He leaned in so close to John's face that all John could see was a black blur that was Dave's shades. The shades John had given him.

"No shit, this is not a lame ass prank out of your gogdamn fifty ton joke book or whatever?"

"Daaaave! I really, honestly, truly feel this way about you." John tried to hold his stare with the expanse of black lenses but it was making him feel cross-eyed. He was also blushing again and he was pretty sure at this proximity Dave could feel the heat being emitted from his face.

Suddenly, Dave's arms were around John's neck and damn was he clinging tight. John twined his arms around Dave around too, and it didn't get much more consummate than that.

"Yes. Fuck yes. Holy Hannah, you have no idea..." Dave muttered a few more incredulous curses to himself before picking a singular train of thought to follow. "I really, really, _really_ gogdamn like you too. Hell, I was gonna tell you before Harley came in that day, but then later I thought I needed to back the fuck off and...oh my gog, I can't even. You're just so...you, and everything..."

"Damn...well, damn. So we're boyfriends. Damn."

John let all of his happiness exude in his smile. He was satisfied with who he was, and rock solid with his orientation. He was surrounded with a supportive network of friends and family. And now he was embarking on a new adventure of romance. If he smiled any more, he might just look as dorky as Dave and his big grin. 

"Yeah, and you know what the first thing I'm going to do as your boyfriend is?" John asked.

Dave was too ecstatic to raise an eyebrow or give him one of those looks. Instead he just asked, "What?" And it was kind of funny the way his voice sounded so far away and dream-like.

John threw his arms around Dave's waist in a hug, but this time reached his arms behind to where Dave had left his controller.

"Kick your ass at Ghostbusters!"

\----

The End.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for Asexy April which is a challenge (I guess you could call it that?) on tumblr. I didn't really know it was going to turn out this long, I was only trying to do a one-shot. Oh well, at least I hope this spreads a bit of awareness. Also I'm apparently not great at formatting so I don't know how to indent paragraphs...


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